There is a variety of personalities found in women and men, some of which are very passive.  The passive personality is usually the one in the relationship NOT wearing the pants.  This person is usually more about going with the flow and not making all the decisions.  Other personalities are very aggressive and pretty much HAVE to make all the decisions and be in complete power.  In my opinion, being too passive or too aggressive is not a good thing for relationships.

If you are being too passive, you will become the pushover and in the end, not be the happiest person.  You want to make a decision every once in a while at least!!  And the aggressive, well you will probably drive the other person absolutely nuts with your power trip.

In order for relationships to work effectively, there should be a good balance of passive and aggressive behaviors, especially in communication with the other.  In a relationship there is a need to communicate effectively, and through this communication develops power on one end or the other.

Power can be used in a good manner through good communication, say to help each others’ emotional states or well-being. But this can become bad power very quickly as soon as it is used in communication to deceive or manipulate the other.

Basically power is good to have, as long as it is used in an effective manner with both people’s emotions and best interest in mind.  Power should not be something used to get your way or abuse the other.   If both parties in the relationship are communicating well and compromising, the power should be okay in your relationship.

This is one part of some relationships that most people will go through at least once…and let’s just say, it is not easy.   And it can not last forever.  Eventually, if this relationship is the “real deal,”  one of you will have to move to the other. But if you and your special other can make it through a few months of long distance, I believe your relationship will be stronger, along with your trust and communication skills.   Well, I mean it will be a good relationship if you are both trying hard and are doing some of the following:

Great communication: How else do you think you and your other will keep up with one another?   There’s really no set limit on the amount of communication in a long distance relationship.  That is up to you and your other, and it is important for you two to set up your means of communication and how often that will be.   For example, I have a friend that lives about 4 hours away from her man and they talk on the phone for about 4 hours every night.  That is their way of communicating and they are both content with it.  Me, on the other hand, would go crazy on the phone for 4 hours!  My long distance boyfriend and I will do our share of texting during the day and talk for about 20-30 minutes at night before bed.  That is what works for us.  But only communicating through the phone line will get old after awhile.  So here are some other ways to “spice up” your communication techniques.

Send them cards, small gifts, emails or even just come visit them: It’s always nice to be surprised, especially if it is from your significant other.  Simply sending them a short email to let them know you are thinking about them.  That kind of gesture could put a smile on that person’s face for the rest of the day.  So just remember, the phone is the best, but not always the only way to say hey, I miss you!

Trust: This is another HUGE aspect in long distance relationships.  How could you be in a relationship with someone that you could not trust?  If your girl or guy is going out on the town with their friends and you are 300 miles away, you better hope you trust them.  Or else you will spend the whole night worrying about who they are flirting with or exchanging numbers with at the bar.   And this in turn would drive your significant other crazy!  You can never really trust the other people at the bar or the restaurants, but as long as you trust your other, then I think things will turn out just fine.

Overall, I truly believe that if you have a mutual relationship that is based on commitment and love, a long distance relationship will not be too difficult or unbearable.  Just remember to keep in touch with your other daily through some sort of communication, keep busy, don’t focus on your sadness of missing them and look forward to the next time you will see them!

Good Luck!

1. The Notebook: how could you not absolutely adore Noah’s undeniable love for Allie, even after years of separation?!

2. A Walk to Remember: The bad boy saves the good church girl and makes her love life again…and makes her wishes come true before her death….precious.

3. How to Lose a guy in 10 days:  It’s not your average romance movie because of the way the two find love through their lies…but the way they love and need each other in the end is perfect.

4. Titanic:  oh Jack and Rose…loving each other when it’s forbidden by others…now that’s strong love.  Especially when Jack dies, when allowing Rose to stay on the board to stay out of the water.  That’s love.

5. Pretty Woman: A man falls in love with a prostitute he picks up for the night and he chases her when she runs….smart man.

6. The Holiday:  Two troubled women swap homes for two weeks to escape their real lives and find true love where they least expect it.

7. Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights:  This is the newer Dirty Dancing with Diego Luna which is to simply die for!  The young dancer falls in love with her poor, hotel worker despite her snobby mother that insists she goes after the country club boys.

8. Grease: Anyone that doesn’t adore the love found between Danny and Sandy might be blind…they are perfect together! (and yes this one is a classic, I couldn’t help it.)

9. Sweet Home Alabama: You can take the Southern girl out of the country, but her heart remains there with her first true love…sappy and perfect!

10. Twilight: I know I know, this is a “tween” movie, but it’s really not.  It’s about the inseparable romance of Edward and Bella, who become each others’ worlds and know their darkest secrets.  Any age would love this!

Here’s a few clips from the movies to show you just how romantic they are!

Well what happens when it is the other way around?  The male species is very capable of being clingy and it can be even worse than females!  How can you tell if your man is too clingy or if he truly just wants to be around you?  Here are some hints!

1. Say it is a girls night out…and your man calls/texts you all night long to make sure you are not doing anything “bad.”  Totally inappropriate. And clingy!

2. You are together at a bar with friends and he does not leave your side the entire night, even when his boys are on the other side of the bar and you are sitting with the girls.  It’s okay to have a little breathing space sometimes…please!

3. It’s a regular day for the two of you and your man texts you ALL day long, until he sees you after school for a few hours, then texts you constantly all night until you talk on the phone before bed.  Is it really that necessary to be in CONSTANT contact with one another all day long?  I would say it is healthier to leave a few hours of breathing room here and there!  For both of your sakes and sanity!

Those are a few hints about when your man might be a litle too clingy…in a way that could jeopardize your relationship.  If you see things like this happening in your relationship, you may want to take a step back and really evaluate how the two of you communicate!

The movie, “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days,” is a perfect example of a girl going off the deep end in a relationship.   Watch this clip for a few details on how women can easily drive a man away.  And then  I will give a few rules for girls and what NOT to do!

So after watching that, hopefully you get the point about how easily men can be scared away.  It really does not have to be that hard to keep a man in your life!  Here are some simple rules to start you out!

1. Never leave a box of tampons at his house for when you need them!! Put them in your purse if you need them so badly. Unless you are married or living together, he does not need to stare at your big pink box everyday.

2. Let him have his boys nights-and do not interrupt them!

3. Do not bring up the future with him unless it has been something you both have agreed upon.  Bringing up what you two will name your kids and how many dogs you want might scare him away.

4. Do not ask him if something makes you look fat or if you look huge in something….he does not want to  answer that-whether he is telling the truth or not!

5. Be confident in your relationship!

There are a few starters. But I think you get the picture!  Good luck with those relationships girls!!

http://jmc325.wordpress.com/2009/03/13/professor-laura-bloxham/

Professor Laura Bloxham

Laura Bloxham

(Men, I do realize girls aren’t actually perfect either, but that’s another blog.)

We cannot say that this is always a true statement because men are honest beings as well (sometimes) and it is possible for them to mean what they say!  But there are some common phrases that come out of their mouths that might have some girls thinking otherwise.

Let’s look at a few examples:

1.  Guy says:  Why are you being so emotional?
Guy means:  Why are you acting like a total psychopath??

2. Guy says:  I’m not really ready to date right now
Guy means: I just want to sleep with you and not date you.

3. Guy says: That’s an different look for you!
Guy means: You look weird, change it.

We could go on all day.  The point here is:  Women, you need to understand these underlying meanings.  If you don’t, you will either continue to fall for the bastards of the male species or you will continually fight with your significant other because you can’t understand each other!  Men, here’s your advice.  Please just say what you mean!! We are fragile, but girls do prefer the truth.

Throughout a relationship, you will encounter many different kinds of boundaries…from the very first time you meet, until the day your relationship is over (whether that is breaking up, divorce or death). There are always new boundaries to set, lines to not be crossed and problems occurring in the relationship. Let’s look at a few of these and some healthy ways to handle them!

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Independence vs. Dependence: There is definitely a line that needs to be drawn early in the relationship with the amount of dependence both parties place on one another. When there is too much dependence, the relationship becomes either strained, or you become so enthralled and wrapped up with each other that you lose out on the rest of your friends, family and enjoyment of life. You become one another’s entire life, and as nice as that is to have a best friend and significant other always there for you, it’s unhealthy and will eventually lead to disappointment or heart-break. But if you have too much independence in the relationship, one side (or both sides) of the relationship will feel left out of the others’ life or feel like they aren’t getting enough attention. Let’s face it, when you are in love, you want some attention from your significant other and if you don’t get it, you almost just want to scream, “um hello, attention!!” Or at least something of that sort. Finding the happy line between these two contrasts where you can be dependent on that person as your best friend and lover, but also hold a life outside of that relationship, will be the perfect setup for a good relationship.

Give vs. Take: Each and every person is raised in a different environment and home-life and given different personalities, meaning everyone will be contrasting when it comes to giving or taking. Face it; some of us are flat-out takers (aka, moochers). The takers want things given to them, without having to give much or anything at all in return. This can be seen in or out of a relationship, but it can definitely impact a relationship when one is a taker and one is a giver and it ends up straining the giver. Contrasting this is the giving aspect of a person. When someone is a giver, their heart is completely content helping others and making others happy by giving them help or things. These people can be easily taken advantage of though, especially the takers. In order to have a happy contrast in your relationship, there shouldn’t be extremes in giving or taking. Each person should try to give daily to their significant other and only take once they have given, or will give in return.

Trust vs. Distrust: As a relationship grows, the trust becomes a huge part of the relationship. When you cannot trust your other in the relationship, it is a huge negative aspect to your relationship and will most likely cause a huge amount of suffering and strain on you both. Most people will automatically give a new person in their lives (aka, a new relationship) a full amount of trust. But once that trust is lost, it is not easily given back in most circumstances. With distrust in the relationship, it causes one in the relationship to want to know every single move the other did that day, they could put many “rules” on the other and be very demanding of their attention constantly. These kinds of behaviors are unhealthy for a relationship. With trust in the relationship, you are both going to be happier people. You aren’t worried 24/7 about what the other person is doing and if they are talking to someone they shouldn’t be. It can also bring you both closer together and make an overall better relationship.

The new relationship vs. the old one: Speaking of trust, we might as well get the exes out of the way too. Everyone has a past, whether we like it or not. Sometimes we have things we regret and sometimes we learn so much from our past, that it’s nothing to regret, but only something to learn from. So whether we like it or not, most people we start a new relationship with will have a past ex-girlfriend or boyfriend that was most likely a serious commitment (depending on your age!). I believe that yes, there is always some sort of threat there. The ex has the past experiences with your new beau, they have past feelings and love for one another that you are still experiencing with you significant other. BUT, you cannot always just scratch the ex out of the picture for a few reasons. First off, because he/she will probably still want to be friends with your beau. Second off, as a new person in the relationship, you are NOT in any sort of place to be asking your beau to step away from this person. As long as you can trust your ex and know that they aren’t hanging out one on one with this past ex, I believe things will really be okay! But if the ex is becoming a major threat, by constantly communicating with your beau, trying to hang out with them, talking to them on a daily basis or so forth, there may be a time for you to step in and give your peace. Simply tell your significant other that the communication by their ex is making you extremely uncomfortable and you need them to tell their ex to (simply put) back off or else there won’t be a friendship there. Never give your beau the ultimatum of her or you. Just tell them how you feel about it and what makes you uncomfortable and if they are really in love with you, they will take care of it.  But the same goes for you. Remember in all cases that you get uncomfortable with their ex, remember you have a past too. And know that your beau will get uncomfortable with exes as well.

Sex vs. abstinence: This is simply a title, but I’m talking here mostly about the boundaries with physical contact. With a first date, it’s always nerve-wracking. Do I kiss him/her? Do I hug them? What happens?! It’s frightening for everyone, don’t you worry. Things will fall into place as the relationship unwinds into something more. But once you have had a date or two, physical boundaries are probably something necessary to bring up. How far would you want the relationship to go? Are you a virgin? Or are you someone that will hop in the sack on the first date? This is all something you need to get out on the table, because quite frankly, most relationships have some sort of physical contact.

Tell vs. not tell: With a new relationship, it’s hard to decipher how much you should involve your significant other in your life. You have so much history with you and your family, making it hard to inform your other on the issues in your life. Especially if it’s more “embarrassing” issues, it’s really hard to tell another person, even when you are in a relationship with them. On a first date, I would not recommend gushing out your entire life story…it may scare the other person.  Getting to know each other on a personal level takes time and that’s okay.  As a relationship does become more involved and serious, you will need to be more willing to put yourself out there and tell your significant other about your past, and even about your ambitions for the future.  If this person is going to be in your future, they may want to know what you plan on doing in your future and how they can be put into the equation.

Don’t get me wrong, these boundaries are all just thoughts of mine, and you can totally disagree.  I am no where near a counselor on relationships, but I’m just basing these thoughts off of past relationships! Enjoy! Check out the Life Esteem relationship advice - HERE!

]]> http://jennaheald.wordpress.com/2009/02/18/the-boundaries-of-relationships/feed/ 0 jennaheald http://jennaheald.wordpress.com/2009/02/07/the-categories-of-college-dating/ http://jennaheald.wordpress.com/2009/02/07/the-categories-of-college-dating/#comments Sat, 07 Feb 2009 20:38:27 +0000 jennaheald http://jennaheald.wordpress.com/?p=10 ]]> As you decide which path to take or experiment with, each kind of couple starts to fall into certain categories.  Sometimes it’s a good category to fall into…and other times it might not be such a happy place.  Let’s look at a few…and the positive and negatives of them!

1. The New couple: We’ve all been here I’m sure…we finally meet someone new, go on a few dates and before you know it, you are dating!  Everything is usually perfect, with no fights or disagreements and always having the ability to please one another.  The positives here: this stage rocks!  You are always happy and it seems like nothing could wrong.  The negatives:  the disagreements on viewpoints, families, friends, lifestyles and exes are coming.  Some relationships will experience the fights more than others…but nonetheless, the arguments will come eventually so this stage won’t last forever. Start working on compromising early and that should help the transition!

2. The Fighting Couple: We all know this couple…One day they are together and the next they are broken up.  And the next day…well you know the pattern.  This all gets old really quick to everyone surrounding the couple…and to the couple too! The positives of this?  Well…you keep things interesting I guess?  And the negatives:  you are most likely in a relationship that is not going to work out in the end…or maybe it will and both sides of the couple have some major things to work out with one another!

3. The PDA Couple: The never ending touching, kissing, groping…in all public places…c’mon guys, really!  We all know you are in love…save proving it for one another behind closed doors where we all don’t have to watch.  The positives of this: you get to remind your boyfriend or girlfriend how much you love them constantly.  The negatives: the rest of us have to watch…and silently get sick to our stomachs.

4. The Non-couple: This is simply a nicer category name than calling it “screw buddies.”  You know how it goes…both of you want nothing serious and enjoy not being in a relationship so the simple solution is doing just that.  Not in a relationship, but usually end up in one another’s bed…especially on drunken party nights. The Positives:  you are getting what you want sexually.  Negatives:  this will emotionally drain you quickly…especially us girls who tend to fall a little faster for boys than we would like to!  And it could end up having life changing side effects, such as pregnancy or an STD.

5. The Cheating Couple: Personally, I never saw this couple category much in high school…but in college it smacked me in the face.  The couple that is definitely in a serious, committed relationship….but one or both of the individuals in the couple are going behind the others back.  The positives:  Personally, i see none! But I guess to some, it could be seen as a way to play the field and make sure the relationship you are in, is the one you want for good.  (But that is such an awful route to take).  The Negatives: This is awful and you will always feel guilty about it.  This is bad for you emotionally, physically and for your relationship.  And even your reputation at college.   It’s overall just a bad idea.

6. The Married Couple: Onto a more pleasant category, this one is seen more in college than almost anywhere else.  This is the couple that can’t get enough time together…sometimes too much time.  Their whole lives revolve around each other and they easily forget and drop their other friends to spend time with each other.  The positives: you get a LOT of quality time together and probably know each other like the back of your hand.  The negatives:  you lose your friends and get labeled as that person who ditches out for their loved one.  There is a happy medium…just finding it takes time.  And if your friends are true friends, they will be right there waiting for you as you find that medium…as long as you are attempting to find it.

7. The “Slightly” Normal Couple: Now we all know all couples are bound to be somewhat crazy in their own way. But that’s okay.  This category is the couple that know how to compromise on most issues, know their happy medium between time together and friend time and know their boundaries to which they should stay behind in situations.  This couple is no where near perfect or normal, but they can at least play it off that way!  The Positives: Both individuals in the relationship are most likely very satisfied with the relationship and very trusting of one another.  The Negatives: Well, this is a pretty good stage to be in…as long as you are both in it.

Remember those days in high school when dating was just for fun?!  It was okay to date the bad boy, the one we knew a relationship would never work out with.  Or it was okay to date the girl that your mother would never approve of.  But it was high school, it’s all fun and games! It’s so much easier to be innocent, considering your parents drive you and your date to the movies or if you can drive, you have a tight curfew usually. Your parents know where you are going, who you are with and when you will be home.  If  a boy asks you out on a date, you are pretty much officially dating after that.  It usually lasts for a few months until one of you decides it’s time to play the field again. I mean, really, in high school, you only have those select few people at your high school to choose from.  You don’t know what else is out there! So you simply move on.  And there’s nothing wrong with that, probably even a healthy choice.

Now when you reach the college age, the tables turn slightly on you.  Dating becomes what you want it to be.  You can still date around those young men or women that your parents would never allow you to.  Or you can become a little more serious and start looking for that person you can imagine spending the rest of your life with.  You can even experiment with your sexuality freely without the worries of what your high school friends or parents will think.

Whatever you choose to do, it will be very different from high school.  The curfew, the parents and the rules are all out the window.  You are a free man or woman and all the responsibility of dating is in your hands.  That also means it’s up to you to make good (or bad) choices and accept the outcomes of those decisions on your own.  This is sadly when a lot of the pregnancies, bad relationships and STD’s happen…but it’s a choice that someone made and maybe in that one second, it seemed like the right choice.  We have many of those in our lives and living through them is a great learning experience.
Now when you are in college, there are many categories of which dating falls under.  See the following blog for a list of interesting categories I see most often in my college.